Having a child is a life-changing experience.
We know because everybody tell us how amazing it is and how life changing and how they now view the world completely different from how they did before.
And they’re right. It is all of those things.
But once the dust settles and the gloss fades, there is still plenty to look forward to. And plenty to be fearful of.
11 Things That Will Happen When You Have A Kid
1. You’ll Lose Your Child In Target (or K-Mart – preferably not both on the same day)
A crowd of people will either join your frantic search or question your parenting skills, or both.
You’ll then find the kid, hiding in the women’s wear section, and hold him aloft like you’re brandishing the FA Cup.
And then you’ll realise he’s soiled his britches and stinks.
No wonder he was hiding.
2. You’ll Cease Caring About Your Car
Once (maybe) your pride and joy, your whip will now resemble a rag-and-bone man’s railway shelter.
There will be banana smeared against the headrests.
The boot will contain, amongst other things: a bucket and spade; a full wardrobe; a tricycle; various stuffed toys; a kettlebell; a ski jacket; a beach bag; lego.
The centre console will contain sunglasses and cracker and a banana skin (that you’ve hidden from the dog and is now rotten).
None of this will seem in any way unusual or strange.
3. You’ll Cease Caring About Your Furniture
You used to be house-proud.
Imagined that maybe your crib might one day be featured in home magazines. It’s Sydney after all.
Try that now.
4. You’ll Secretly Start To Want To Join The Paw Patrol
The theme song is lodged in your brain.
They are annoying and cool in equal measure.
It wouldn’t hurt to join them, surely. And go and play in Adventure Bay
5. You’ll Find Yourself Identifying With Daddy Pig
He’s portrayed as a complete doofus in Peppa Pig. By a feminist, probably.
But there’s bits you can related to.
“I used to be a very good diver”. Course you did, sonny.
6. You Won’t Know Whether To Use Nap Time To Nap Yourself Or Do Something Fun
The million-dollar question.
Sure, you didn’t sleep last night.
But this could be the only 45 minute break you get all day.
The possibilities are endless.
But a nap is a nap, right? Best go catch some zzzz’s.
7. You’ll Resort To Bribery
It’s a sign of weakness and bad parenting.
But…anyone who judges you for it is either not a parent, or they’re lying.
8. You’ll Hate Yourself For Taking An IPad To A Cafe. But Do It Anyway
Otherwise every trip to a cafe or restaurant is ruined.
And it used to be one of your ‘things’, right?
Just sitting in the cafe, enjoying your coffee, reading the paper.
Well, forget that for the next 5-6 years, at least.
9. You’ll Video Everything
If it’s yours, it’s the cutest.
If it’s anyone else’s, you don’t give a toss.
You know this. Yet you still do it. And then force people to watch.
10. You’ll Act Nonchalant When He’s Hurt Because “It’s Character Building”
Everyone else goes running for their kid when they fall over.
But they all zig, and you’re a zagger, so you feign coolness and let them deal with.
Count to 20, smooth-groove, and then mosey over.
And beam on the inside when he shows a bit of ticker. Good lad – let’s go for ice-cream as a treat.
11. You’ll Start Taking Baths Again
You’ve not had a bath for 20 years. Now you have one every night.
Just you and him. And 50 Thomas The Tank Engine mini toys trying to chuff into your arsehole as you jockey for a comfortable position.
And it’s actually alright.
Apart from when he twists around into a kinky position and you pray that his Mum doesn’t walk in.
Or worse still, take a photo.
What Have I Left Out?
Let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org and share with any Dads or Dads-in-waiting who need to know exactly what hurricane is coming.