The 6 LinkedIn Rules You May Be Breaking

Ah, LinkedIn…

Twitter aside, you are by far the least intentionally funny social media site there is. 

And yet…you are a veritable treasure trove of useful articles and industry updates that none of us can be without.* 

Simultaneously managing to make me feel both multitudes better & worse about myself in an instant, you make the solitary bus ride home and the idle five minute breaks between Zooms seem somehow less interminable as you cunningly trick me into more “harmless” screentime.

However, while my use of your feed is uniquely judicious, catchily surfing a carefully curated wave between finger-on-the-pulse relevance and slightly jaundiced scepticism*, many of my corporate comrades are guilty of far less jaunty sins.

Here are some of their lot.

1. The | Jack | Of | All | Trades

There | Are | Only | So | Many | Things…. Okay, I give up.

You can’t be good at everything so stop trying to be. Especially if you’re not particularly good at any of them.

And since when did the ‘|’ (I don’t even know what it’s called so highly doubt you do) replace the humble full stop or back-slash?

LinkedIn-ese at its most masterful and beguiling. Get in the sea.

2. The Humble Bragger 

Thrilled. Delighted. Humbled. Honoured.

This humble-bragging has gotten so bad now that it only really garners attention if someone has pulled the full trifecta and pronounced themselves “Beyond thrilled, delighted and humbled…” to win an award (that their company most likely sponsored).

I get that you have to play the game. I’ve done it myself. Not with an award though. 

You actually have to win an award to humble-brag about it and I’ve never won anything.

But why not simply acknowledge that you’re pleased to have snagged the gong, and you & your cheering comrades are now going to drink the bar dry?

Now that would be authentic.

On the subject of awards and as a (presumably now retired after this post) semi-professional awards judge, there are bonus points awarded for such nefarious schemes such as:

a) winning an award your company sponsored

b) winning an award because the sponsor of the award gets to decide who wins

c) winning an award because you sponsored the after-party

d) winning an award because you’re a client of the key sponsor

e) winning an award because you suggested a new category that only you could win

f) winning an award despite not actually entering the awards but being parachuted in a by a sponsor once they’d seen the original entry list

Some of these may have actually happened. But I wouldn’t know, so couldn’t possibly comment.

3. The Overactive Emoji-er (Insert sample emoji here)

When did this become a thing? (shrug emoji) (rocket ship emoji) (oh, face-palm emoji)

In a time when we positively need less dumbing down rather than more, let’s reduce our communications to a series of tiny cartoon images.

“But we’re visual beings.” 

“But we’re too time-poor to read actual words.”

Fair enough, but when the LinkedIn lemmings jump aboard & everybody is at it, then you know it’s time to disembark (I’m sure there’s an emoji for that somewhere).

Oh, and ‘TL/DR’ can get in the sea as well. (brain scramble emoji)

4. The Empty Re-poster

This person desperately wants to be part of the tribe.

And yet they have nothing meaningful, interesting or original to bring to the table.

So they share articles that they’ve scooped from the Wall Street Journal or Harvard Business Review and deposit them into your LinkedIn feed with a “I’ll just leave this here,” sort of nonchalance. 

No commentary. 

No nothing. 

(Not even an emoji (emoji shrug)).

5. The Personal Oversharer

I saw a post titled: ‘Notes To My Unborn Son,’ the other day.

On LinkedIn.

Wrong platform, sonny.

Whilst I wish LinkedIn were more like Instagram and Facebook (but not Twitter. Nothing could be quite as insufferable), it’s not the place for this kind of sh*t.

It was a terrible article, too, which didn’t help.

Stuff about your wedding ain’t it, either. Nobody cares, mate.

6. The 12,000 Connection Man (or Woman)

I recently received a thank-you note as a LinkedIn message from someone I don’t know and have never met, thanking me for being part of his network that now numbers in excess of 12,000 lucky punters.

He was simultaneously thanking / celebrating his “network” who inspire him every day to…errr.….no idea whatsoever…grow his “network” even more, perhaps?

Newsflash: sending LinkedIn invites to folks you’ve never met does not constitute networking & having 12,000 folks click a button is not a badge of honour. Although it is 2020 [Update – it’s now 2024 – nothing changes].

[Note to self: Fool me once… ]

7. The Over-Enthusiastic Desperado Merch Collector

We’ve all seen this guy, skulking around at events, clutching t-shirts & socks until they become a hindrance to carry, then posing for a witty-captioned photo tagging his arch merch-collecting nemesis Rayn Ong.

What a rotter.

Yours in Fintech,

SFD